Life and relationships, it seems to be a topic on everyone’s mind . . .
Yes, I am a man, so this topic may appear may seem one sided.
But, open your mind and consider . . .
Men are strong and resilient, yet, they are NOT unbreakable.
Many a man shows up in my office . . . broken.
How are they broken?
You and I generally understand that love in relationships should be shown and expressed unconditionally, both in familial relationships and between spouses in marriage.
Yet, what I’ve come to realize is that there is something more important to a man than unconditional love.
Most women and many men fail to comprehend this.
What is more important to a man that true love, unconditionally given?
Respect.
In comparison to women when looking at fMRI scans of the brain, the left amygdala, thalamus, hypothalamus, left caudate nucleus and medial prefrontal cortex are notably more activated in men when the emotion of respect is experienced [1].
All men need, crave and respond to respect more than any other emotion, including love.
When men experience respect, they have a powerful physiological response affecting heart rate, attention and bravery [2].
In fact, we are told by Moses in scripture that God’s power actually comes from His honor, and His honor comes from respect [3]. And, without this honor or respect of those he oversees, “God would cease to be God” [4].
With this understanding in mind, we learn, sadly, that thousands of men are being cheated on by their spouses.
How you ask?
This cheating is not in the form of adultery . . .
Yet, it is just as damaging as an actual affair with another person.
Our culture tells women that “men are owed nothing.”
Men are raised up their entire lives under the guise that they are not actually men until they’ve earned the respect of others – especially their wives.
Women are not required to meet any qualifications to be women.
Men are required to “become men.” They must earn the status of man.
I know very few men that would say, “I am not going to love my wife until she earns it.”
However, I regularly hear thousands of women say, “I can’t respect my husband until he earns it.” Or, “he will not get my affection until he earns it.”
Men need and ache for respect just as profoundly as women need love and attention.
What would you say about a man who chooses to withhold love from his wife if she doesn’t have the dinner ready, or isn’t properly satisfying him in other ways, or isn’t doing all the things he demands on his timetable?
Even if that wife was actually slacking in her responsibility, we would consider that man an absolute monster for using her “slack” as an excuse to degrade, demean or withhold love from her as if she only earns it.
So, why do men accept this approach from women?
Why is it acceptable for a woman to order her husband around and withhold respect, but not in reverse?
I cannot tell you how many women have told me in the exam room over the years, “I love my husband, but I no longer respect him.”
Why is it normal for a woman to assign “Honey Do Lists,” either written or implied, and withhold respect if not completed on her timetable and yet think a man tyrannical, abusive and toxic if he gave his wife a list of mandatory assignments for the day?
I know many women who withhold respect because their husband does not meet her time timetable when taking out the trash, putting the toilet seat down, mowing the law or other lists Honey Do Lists.
Yet, does he withhold love when she does not give him respect on the timetable he needs?
Any woman who belittles her husband, cuts him down, nitpicks him, withholds her affection – physical or emotional – as a ransom . . .
Nags him, criticizes him constantly, humiliates him in public or to her friends, family or in front of her children, and will not allow him to take a leadership role in the home, cannot be terribly surprised when he begins to withdraw in to work or other activities.
If he were to cheat – which itself is a great and indefensible evil, no matter how cold or domineering his spouse may be – it cannot be said that he was actually the first.
She cheated him out of the respect he most dearly needed, craved and thrived upon.
She lied to him, breaking her marital vows, when promising to respect him and treat him like a man, only to turn around and treat him like a child.
If I have not emphasized it enough, men have a profoundly deep desire to feel respected.
It is a travesty that we are not raising our girls to understand and appreciate this one fact.
Instead, they learn, often at the feet their own mothers, from media, from television, from advertisements, and academia that men are worthless oafs who should be handled as such UNTIL THEY PROVE themselves worthy of that respect over-and-over every day of their lives.
If they slip up, they should be nagged, berated, belittled and criticized until they straighten up and act like the hairy muscle bound women they should be.
Men are not hairy women. Stop treating them that way.
Give that man some respect and you’ll be amazed at the change and response to his character.
If you withhold respect, he will never say it, because he may not be able to articulate it, but that man will feel as if you are withholding your love.
Men respond profoundly to respect.
They will always withdraw when respect is withheld or ransomed. And, prolonged withdrawal of respect will have a secondary suppression on serotonin, dopamine and testosterone leading to further withdrawal from engagement [5].
“My husband will be respected if he earns it,” I’ve heard numerous wives declare.
“Let him do the chores the way I assign them, let him accomplish everything I require, let him dance to my tune, and then maybe I’ll reward him like a circus monkey with little pellets of respect.”
This approach will destroy him . . . slowly . . . but, mark my words, it will destroy him.
Paul taught the people of Colossae that a husband should not need to earn his wife’s respect any more than a wife needs to earn her husband’s love [6].
A wife ought to respect her husband because he is her husband, just as he ought to love and honor her because she is his wife [6].
Your husband may very well “deserve” it when you mock him, berate him, belittle him, criticize him and nag him . . .
Yet, you do not marry someone in order to give them what they deserve.
In marriage, you give the person what you promised.
What did you promise your spouse?
Are you unconditionally providing and fulfilling the promises to which you covenanted?
If not, you’re cheating on them.
Now, this does not mean that a man has any license to be lazy, abusive, or uncaring.
It means precisely the opposite.
The man has been challenged and commanded by God to live up to the respect his wife provides for him.
Yet, if you parcel out respect on a reward system, your husband will feel demoralized and empty.
He will fill a tremendous thirst as if he were living in a dry barren desert. He will not feel at home in his home. He will not have the sense of masculine purpose and fulfillment that his family life ought to afford him.
After a while, he will dread coming home at night, preferring to remain at work where his contributions are appreciated and his talents are admired and respected.
It is at this point the marriage becomes a very dangerous place.
If a man feels more like a man when he’s away from his wife than when he’s with her, a gory train wreck is lurking right around the corner.
The marriage is already half-dead, and it won’t take much to finish it off.
I was blessed to marry “The Beautiful One.”
She operates differently. She strives to gives respect without condition, even during those many times I never deserved it nor earned it.
Her building me up with respect helps me to be more deserving of the respect she has already bestowed upon me.
GK Chesterton reminded me of the great lesson found within the story of “Beauty and the Beast.” The lesson is that “a thing must be loved BEFORE it is lovable.”
This applies to our wives and children.
In that same light, I firmly believe that a man must be respected before he is respectable.
The only reason I have grown as a man, a husband, and a father, is because my wife treated me with respect long before I had any idea what it meant to lead or how to be a man.
Sadly, the average man in America, and the average man I see in my medical practice, is not always given this advantage.
They enter a marriage and find themselves immediately in a dark hole.
They must prove their worth every morning as they wake, and prove their value before as they return home before they ever get treated like they have any themselves.
Thousands of wives’ paint lines across the floors in the kitchens and bedrooms . . . expecting the men to walk them perfectly.
If he stumbles or if he wanders, I think it essential to note that he is likely not the only traitor in the marriage.
She also betrayed him. She promised him a wife, and provided instead, an angry step mother.
This is how you destroy a married man. This is why many men show up in my office broken.
The two, then, have now betrayed each other . . . in their own way.
There are always two sides to a story.
As men, we will inevitably stumble, as all men do. We are not perfect.
And, many a wife will chastise you and use your mistake as blackmail against you.
Despite this, a man is called upon to endure, to fight for his family, and to never be unfaithful to his wife, and never to leave her.
It is my hope that he has courage and honor enough to never wander.
It is my hope that you give your man the respect he needs and deserves as a man.
To Your Health & Longevity,
Adam Nally, DO
References:
- Jäncke L. Sex/gender differences in cognition, neurophysiology, and neuroanatomy. F1000Res. 2018 Jun 20;7:F1000 Faculty Rev-805. doi: 10.12688/f1000research.13917.1. PMID: 29983911; PMCID: PMC6013760.
- Deng Y, Chang L, Yang M, Huo M, Zhou R. Gender Differences in Emotional Response: Inconsistency between Experience and Expressivity. PLoS One. 2016 Jun 30;11(6):e0158666. doi: 10.1371/journal.pone.0158666. PMID: 27362361; PMCID: PMC4928818.
- Moses 4:1, 3
- Alma 42:25
- Perfalk E, Cunha-Bang SD, Holst KK, Keller S, Svarer C, Knudsen GM, Frokjaer VG. Testosterone levels in healthy men correlate negatively with serotonin 4 receptor binding. Psychoneuroendocrinology. 2017 Jul;81:22-28. doi: 10.1016/j.psyneuen.2017.03.018. Epub 2017 Mar 22. PMID: 28426945.
- Colossians 3:18-19
