Random Thoughts from the Toilet Paper Roll
I am a family physician. Each door I open holds another challenge, another question or another puzzle. You never know what will be behind door number 2 or number 3. This leads to becoming very adept at understanding and thinking about the random. Door #1 one holds the rash. Door #2 holds the patient with diabetes. Door #3 . . . rectal bleeding. Yes, my morning often starts out just that way.
While randomly thinking about the randomness that my career choice brought to my life, I’ve made a few random decisions that relate to our health in general.
First, if I ever decide to buy a toilet paper roll company, I’ve already made the executive decision that each piece of paper on the roll needs the opportunity to express itself in a random way. One piece would say, “Nice fingernail polish.” Another would say, “Wow, you have a nice bottom.” A third would say, “Please don’t apologize, brown is my favorite color.” A fourth might say, “You know, you really should see your doctor about that . . . ”
Second, if I live until I’m 70 years old, I will have spent 10 of those years on Monday. This calls for sausage and eggs for breakfast every Monday morning. Wait, I’m already doing that . . . no wonder I like Mondays. It also means that if I set my clock to wake up earlier on the weekend, then Monday morning I will start the week off “sleeping in.” It is amazing to me that even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and even pinning the tail on the donkey . . . but I’d bet everyone of us can find & push the SNOOZE button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time…
Third, with all of this randomness . . . someone needs to invent the “Sarcasm Font.” There are some things that shouldn’t be written in “Times New Roman.”
Fourth, Can I take back all those times I didn’t want to take a nap when I was younger? I am quite convinced that a significant number of my obesity patient’s would be so much more successful with an afternoon nap.
Fifth, in the age of computers, voice recognition, iPhones and electronic medical records, I really want to meet the person that invented cursive and ask, “Was that really necessary?”
Sixth, in this new era of reality everything, I think that print newspapers would still be fascinatingly successful if the obituary column told you how the person died.
Seventh, with all the high fat, moderate protein I recommend, the freezer has become an important appliance in the ketogenic world . . .yet no one can answer me this question: “Why is there still no freezer light?”
Last, bad decisions often make for the best stories. . . .